Hey there! Welcome to NeurOrdinary, the podcast that's all about navigating the unpredictable journey of autism parenting. I'm your host, Karen, a mom to two incredible neurodiverse kiddos. As an autism parent, I understand the challenges we face daily, and I know that sometimes, we just need a safe space to vent, share our experiences, and find support.

In our latest episode, we delve into a topic that many of us can relate to: letting go of control and coping with uncertainty. As autism parents, we often find ourselves yearning for control to create the perfect, predictable environment for ourselves, and our children. However, holding onto perfectionism and control can actually do more harm than good.

During this episode, we explore the consequences of perfectionism, such as increased stress and anxiety, missed opportunities for connection with our kids, unrealistic expectations, and emotional exhaustion. 

But don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom! 

We also provide practical advice on how to let go of these tendencies.

We discuss the importance of self-compassion, setting realistic expectations, seeking support from friends, family, and professionals, and practicing mindfulness and acceptance. By embracing imperfection and releasing our tight grip on control, we create an environment of acceptance and love for ourselves and our unique kiddos.

So grab a cozy blanket and your favorite beverage, and join us on this journey of self-discovery and resilience!

Prefer an audio-only format?! Tune in on Spotify or your favorite podcasting platform. 

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Resources Mentioned In This Episode

• Join my newsletter to be notified when the Out Of Your Ordinary membership opens…and receive a free gift!

• Gratitude Practice For Autism Parents

• Meditation For Autism Parents: How It Helps And Why You Should Do It 

• Parenting with Presence: Harnessing the Benefits of Daily Awareness Meditation for Autism Parents

• Mindfulness as a Self-Care Tool for Autism Parents: Prioritizing Your Wellbeing

Transcript

Hey, I’m Karen. And I’m a mom to two amazingly neuropsicy autistic kiddos. If you’re an autism parent like me, you know I don’t have the time to make a podcast intro. I also lack the tech skills, so let’s just get into it…this is the NeurOrdinary Podcast!

In the last episode, we talked about Breaking free from the cycle of perfection, and today, we're talking about the other half of that coin: "Coping with Uncertainty and Letting Go of Control as an Autism Parent."

Autism parenting, as we know, is an unpredictable journey. The desire for control, for perfection are so closely linked, and there is a lot about parenting an autistic kiddo that can really set you up to experience a desire for control, and if you lean towards perfectionism, that only makes the control issue worse. And when perfectionism and control creep in, they’re a heavy burden to carry. In this episode, we're going to talk about my own struggles with perfectionism, the consequences it had, and practical advice for letting go of those tendencies. We'll also explore why holding onto perfection can be particularly damaging for autism parents.

So, grab a cozy blanket, your favorite beverage, perhaps your current fidget of choice, and let's get started.

Let's start by talking about the quest for perfection. Now, I've been there, done that, and I’ve got the T-shirt! Striving for that elusive state of having everything under control so I could predict what would happen next. 

The consequences of striving for perfection as an autism parent

The consequences of striving for perfection can be far-reaching, not just for you, but for your kids too! When we hold onto the need for control too tightly, we're essentially setting ourselves up for disappointment and anxiety…as an autism parent, those are two things we definitely want to avoid!

Consequence 1: Increased Stress and Anxiety

One of the most significant consequences is the increased stress and anxiety we experience. We're constantly on edge, fearing that things won't go as planned. Our nervous systems are in overdrive, and it takes a toll on our well-being.

Consequence 2: Missed Opportunities for Connection

We may become so focused on creating the perfect environment or adhering to strict routines that we miss out on genuine moments of connection with our children.

Consequence 3: Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism can lead to unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our children. We set impossibly high standards for ourselves and our kids. When those standards aren't met, we may feel like we've failed, or worse, like something is wrong with our kids. This is an extremely harmful and dangerous cycle that we need to break.

Consequence 4: Emotional Exhaustion

The relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to emotional exhaustion. We're constantly juggling multiple tasks, attempting to control every detail, and it's draining. This exhaustion not only affects us but also impacts our ability to be present for our children, and it significantly impacts our ability to care for ourselves and get the self-care we need and deserve.

Practical advice for letting go of perfectionism as an autism parent

Now, let's move on to the practical advice for letting go of those perfectionist tendencies. It's not an easy journey, but it's one worth embarking on.

Tip #1: Practice Self-Compassion

First and foremost, practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. Understand that you're doing your best, and it's okay not to be perfect. When you make a mistake or things don't go as planned, remind yourself that it's part of life's imperfections.

Tip #2: Set Realistic Expectations 

Set realistic expectations for yourself and your child. Recognize that progress often comes in small steps, especially in the world of autism parenting. Understand and accept that our kids struggle with regression, and that no one has a straight, linear path to their goals, especially not when you’re living a NeurOrdinary kind of life. Celebrate all the small victories along the way, and don't dwell on perceived failures.

Tip #3: Seek Support

Don't hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Reach out to others who can offer guidance, share their experiences, and remind you that you're not alone on this journey. The Out Of Your Ordinary community should be launching in January of 2024 if not sooner, and that will be a warm, welcoming place for everyone to find the type of community support and acceptance they need. Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast or you’re signed up to receive my email newsletter to make sure you’re notified when the doors open.

Tip #4: Mindfulness and Acceptance

For the love of all that’s good in the world, practice mindfulness and acceptance. Embrace the present moment and accept it for what it is, without judgment. When we let go of the need for control, we allow space for mindfulness and acceptance to flourish. I'll link some free resources in the show notes for you so you can easily get started with adding more mindfulness and acceptance in your life.

The unique perfectionism problem for autism parents…

Let’s move on to why holding onto perfection is particularly damaging for autism parents. We talked a bit about this already, and I’d like to expand on it now…autism parenting really sets us up as parents to fail if we’re not paying attention to our need for control and perfectionism - and there are really two big reasons why:

Unique Challenge 1: Complexity of Autism Parenting

Autism parenting is complex. There's a vast spectrum of behaviors, needs, and challenges that we and our children may face. Trying to control every aspect of this journey is simply not feasible. It leads directly to frustration and burnout.

Unique Challenge 2: Embracing Neurodiversity

Our children are unique individuals with their strengths and quirks and those “quirks” are often viewed by society as less than perfect. When we as autism parents hold onto our preference for perfection, it can really stifle our kids’ growth and hinder their sense of self - whether we do it intentionally or subconsciously! There’s a lot that we need to unpack as parents about our needs for control and our desire for perfection - and our role as autism parents makes it important that we do it sooner rather than later.

Embracing Imperfection as an Autism Parent

So, where do we go from here? It's time to embrace imperfection. It's time to let go of the unrealistic standards we've set for ourselves and our children. But how do we do that? Let’s dive into it…

Embracing Imperfection 1: The Gift of Vulnerability

Embracing imperfection is a gift of vulnerability. It allows us to connect with our children on a deeper level. When we show them that it's okay to make mistakes, that it's okay to be imperfect, we create an environment of acceptance and love. And bonus points: we allow more self-compassion and understanding into our lives as well.

Embracing Imperfection 2: Growth and Resilience

Imperfection is where growth and resilience thrive. It's through challenges and setbacks that we learn, adapt, and become stronger. Our children, too, learn valuable life skills when they face imperfection with courage and determination…when our need for control and perfectionism doesn’t get in their way.

Embracing Imperfection 3: Celebrating Uniqueness

By embracing imperfection, we celebrate the uniqueness of our children. We acknowledge their individual strengths and quirks and allow them to shine in their own way. It's a beautiful journey of self-discovery for both us and our children.

Conclusion

So there you have it my fellow autism parents, it's time to let go of the relentless pursuit of perfection and release our tight-knuckled grip on control! It’s time we embrace the uncertainty that comes with this journey because it's in those moments of vulnerability that we find our strength and build up our resilience.

Also, it’s just a hell of a lot easier on you and your kiddo when you aren’t an uptight turd monster about everything all the time. Trust me. Don’t be a Karen ;)

Remember, you're not alone. Seek support, practice self-compassion, and celebrate all those small victories…you and your kiddo have earned them. Release the need for control, and you'll discover a newfound sense of freedom and authenticity.

Thanks for listening! New episodes of the NeurOrdinary Podcast drop every Thursday. Don’t forget to like and subscribe, and if you’re feeling generous leave a comment or review to let me know what you thought about today’s episode. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with other autism parents who might benefit from what we talked about today. I appreciate you listening and I’m glad you’re here with me. Remember, whatever you do, keep it spicy!