Welcome to Episode 014 of NeurOrdinary! I'm Karen Kossow, a neurospicy autism mom, who is no stranger to the unique challenges of autism parenting.
In today's episode, we'll talk about some common myths and the societal pressures that compel autism parents to act like “superheroes” who can manage every aspect of our child's life.
But let me share a little secret with you—perfection isn’t possible!
We can't control every detail of this journey, and that's okay. We’ll all enjoy life a lot more if we stop trying to force our idea of what “should” be, and embrace what is.
Throughout this episode, we'll serve up practical strategies to help you recalibrate your expectations and nurture self-compassion. We'll talk about the significance of setting achievable boundaries and celebrating the little victories along the way.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey!
We're creating a supportive community of autism parents, folks who truly grasp the “adventure” we're on and are committed to uplifting each other.
Join us on NeurOrdinary as we explore the art of releasing the need for control, embracing the beauty of imperfection, and enjoying this wild ride together.
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Resources Mentioned In This Episode
Transcript
Hey, I’m Karen. And I’m a mom to two amazingly neuropsicy autistic kiddos. If you’re an autism parent like me, you know I don’t have the time to make a podcast intro. I also lack the tech skills, so let’s just get into it…this is the NeurOrdinary Podcast!
As autism parents, we often find ourselves caught in the whirlwind of expectations, right? Expectations we place on ourselves and those that society places on us as parents. But what happens when these expectations turn into unrealistic demands? You know what I mean, those moments when we think we need to be superheroes who can do it all, where we feel the need to overly control our child’s actions and responses? When we feel like we need to “conquer” autism's challenges to be the perfect parent?
Yeah, that’s not how any of this works!
Today, we're going to tackle these common misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, and why it's so crucial to redefine those boundaries in autism parenting.
Now, I've been in the autism parenting game for a while. With two neurospicy kiddos, you'd think I've got it all figured out. But truth be told, that's far from reality. I've had my fair share of struggles and, yes, moments where I thought I had to be Wonder Woman, but without the invisible jet. I know you've been there too.
The world often has this preconceived notion that autism parents are superhumans. How many times a week do you hear “I just don’t know how you do it!” We're supposed to handle everything flawlessly, people want us to have all the answers, and make life a breeze for them as they deal with our kiddos..easy peasy, right? Wrong.
There's this pressure to control every aspect of our child's life, from therapies to daily routines to their behavior when they’re struggling. It can be overwhelming. You know what it's like! But here's the deal – it's time to break free from these chains of unrealistic expectations. It's time to redefine our boundaries and clarify what is even possible for us...after all, we’re only human!
So, let's start by debunking some of these misconceptions, and believe me, they're not always easy to shake off.
Misconception #1 – We Need to Be Perfect.
As autism parents, for some of us, it often feels like we're on a never-ending quest for perfection. And yes, I’m talking about myself! We think we need to get every detail just right to help our children and that if we only work harder, do this other therapy, invest more time and money in getting them the help they need, everything will be ok, or at least better. And let's be real, what we really want is to be the perfect parent, right?
But here's the truth, folks – perfection is a myth. There's no such thing as the perfect parent. Even non-autism parents don't have it all figured out. It's like chasing a unicorn, and we all know how elusive unicorns are, unless your autistic kiddo likes to pretend to be a unicorn on the regular, in which case your house is probably covered in glitter. Hashtag solidarity! So let’s stop chasing unicorns, unless we’re playing with our kiddos, and wave goodbye to perfection, shall we?
Misconception #2 – We Can Control Everything.
Now, this one's a biggie. Sometimes, we believe that we can control every aspect of our child's life. And sometimes, we have therapists telling us that’s exactly what we should do! We manage therapies, daily routines, and every little detail for our kids because they often lack the age-appropriate executive function skills to do it themselves. And also, even the most advanced 6 year old can’t manage the therapy schedule my kids had at that age.
This all comes from a place of wanting the best for our kids, and also, somewhat selfishly, of reducing the number of meltdowns they have and that we need to help them through. It’s complicated by their additional needs, but it also is a slippery slope that sets us up to fail if we aren’t careful...controlling the schedule, and managing their emotions often turns into a desire for control in even more areas of their lives, and our lives as well.
But guess what? It's an illusion. The idea that we can control every moment, every therapy session, or how our child responds to each situation is simply not realistic. Autism parenting is more like a dance, with unpredictable moves and twists. And, sometimes, you just have to let the rhythm flow.
Misconception #3 – We're Alone in This.
Autism parenting can be isolating. You might think that you're the only one facing these challenges because so many of us don’t talk about the truly hard things we go through. We have an intuitive sense, or maybe it’s shame speaking, that says no one wants to hear about our reality, and that's far from true. Many of us share the same fears, dreams, and worries.
And let's be honest, the idea that we're alone in this journey is just another misconception. If you’re listening to or watching this podcast, you're already part of an incredible community, and there's support, love, and understanding waiting for you. Our motto here at the NeurOrdinary podcast, and my coaching business Out Of Your Ordinary, is that no one parent’s alone. If we aren’t already connected on social media, I’ll leave my links in the show notes for you, and liking and subscribing to the podcast will help you keep in touch with my weekly podcasts!
Ok, so now that we've cleared up these misconceptions, what's next? How do we manage our expectations, especially when they've been entrenched for so long? Well, let's dive into some practical strategies, my friends.
Strategy #1 – The Power of Self-Compassion.
Remember, it's essential to treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness you'd offer to a friend. You are doing your best, and it's okay to make mistakes.
Setting healthy boundaries for your child and for yourself is essential. Allow for some flexibility and celebrate those small victories along the way. I’ll link to some resources in the show notes to help you set realistic autism parenting boundaries and discover how easy it can be to celebrate those “small” victories!
Strategy #2 – The Importance of Realistic Expectations.
As autism parents, it's easy to fall into the trap of striving for an ideal that may not even exist. The pursuit of perfection can be exhausting and, more importantly, counterproductive. Instead, it's time we embrace an alternative approach – one that values progress over perfection.
Every autistic child's journey is as unique as they are. Which is why there is no one-size-fits-all guide for autism parenting. The journey is an exploration of unique potential, and the destination is uncertain. We understand that there are no shortcuts or quick fixes. It's a continuous process of learning, adapting, and growing.
So, if you're a fellow autism parent seeking a balance between caring for your child and nurturing your own well-being, remember this: perfection isn't the goal. Let's drop the pursuit of perfection and embrace the concept of progress…progress over perfection is the way to go, trust me. Every child's journey is unique, and progress in autism parenting often comes in tiny, beautiful steps. Celebrate those steps, no matter how small they may seem.
Strategy #3 – Seeking Support and Reaching Out.
You don't have to bear the world's weight on your shoulders, my dear autism parent, and you shouldn’t try! Reaching out for support from friends, family, and professionals is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it's a sign of strength.
Sometimes, on an epic adventure, you need a co-pilot to share the load and enjoy the ride. Where would Bill be without Ted, or Rufus!?!
You aren't alone in this. My biggest goal with the NeurOrdinary podcast is to build up a community of like-minded autism parents who are committed to supporting themselves and their families in the most authentic way possible. If that sounds like you, don’t forget that the links to join us are in the show notes below. We are stronger together, and it is so comforting to know you aren’t alone…together, we got this!
Conclusion
When we let go of the need for control, when we embrace imperfection, we open the door to something truly magical. It's like letting the wind carry you on a wild adventure.
Autism parenting is all about embracing the beautiful messiness, those unexpected moments, and celebrating the unique path you're on. You don't have to control every situation because, let's be honest, you can't. Embrace the imperfections, and let the authenticity shine through.
So, here's my advice to all my fellow autism parents out there: Let go of the need for perfection. Embrace authenticity and realistic expectations. And together with your unique family, create a life that's truly yours. It won't be perfect, but it will be a life filled with love, resilience, genuine connection, and probably a lot fewer meltdowns.
And that's a wrap for today's episode. Remember, new episodes of the NeurOrdinary Podcast drop every Thursday. Don't forget to like and subscribe, and if you've found this episode helpful, please share it with other autism parents who might benefit from these insights. Thanks for listening! Have fun out there releasing your perfectionism and letting that -ish go! And while you’re at it, keep it spicy!
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