Today, we're delving into a topic that's close to my heart – breaking free from the clutches of perfectionism as an autism parent. 

Now, I don't just talk the talk; I walk the walk, as a mother of two neurospicy kiddos who've taught me life's beautiful messiness.

You see, perfectionism is like that uninvited guest who overstays their welcome. It's the nagging inner voice that insists we must be flawless, or we fall short. And as autism parents, the stakes often feel higher. The pressure to control every detail and have all the answers can be overwhelming. 

But guess what? It's time to kick perfectionism to the curb.

In today's episode, I'm dishing out the strategies that have helped me tame my anxiety and release the need for perfectionism. First up, let's chat about self-compassion. It's about being your own best friend, offering kindness when you stumble. Embrace the fact that you're allowed to make mistakes, and perfection isn't the goal.

Then, there's the game-changer – setting realistic expectations. It's like celebrating the small wins that paint the big picture. These victories reshape your mindset and let positivity flow.

Remember, you're not on this journey alone. Seeking support from friends, family, and professionals lightens your load. You don't need to bear the world's weight alone. The wisdom and shared experiences of others can make all the difference.

To wrap things up, I'll share a personal story about relinquishing control within my own family. Releasing the grip of perfectionism allowed my husband and children to find their unique ways to handle things, and gave me a much-needed break.

So, don't miss this episode! It's packed with priceless insights and actionable strategies that'll help you break free from perfectionism, live a happier, healthier life, and nurture yourself, and your extraordinary children. 

Prefer an audio-only format?! Tune in on Spotify or your favorite podcasting platform. 

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Resources Mentioned In This Episode

Why Autism Dads Matter…The Power of Father-Child Relationships in Autism

Martyr Mom Island - What Is It and How Can You Avoid It?

What is an Empowered and Engaged Autism Parent? 

Your Ultimate Guide to Boundaries as an Autism Parent: Taking Care of Yourself While Caring for Your Child

Redefining Success: Embracing Your Unique Path as an Autism Parent

Transcript

Hey, I’m Karen. And I’m a mom to two amazingly neuropsicy autistic kiddos. If you’re an autism parent like me, you know I don’t have the time to make a podcast intro. I also lack the tech skills, so let’s just get into it…this is the NeurOrdinary Podcast!

Hey there, and welcome to another episode of the NeurOrdinary Podcast! I'm your host, Karen, and today, we're talking about a topic that's near and dear to my heart – "An Autism Parent's Guide to Breaking Free from the Perfectionism Cycle."

We all know parenting under the best of circumstances is a journey filled with its own unique set of challenges. But when you're an autism parent, well, it can feel like you've stepped onto a roller coaster with no seatbelt. The pressure to appear like we have it all together, to have all the answers, to control every situation especially when our kids are struggling – it can be utterly overwhelming.

In today's episode, we're going to talk about something that many of us autism parents struggle with – perfectionism. We'll explore strategies for managing anxiety and letting go of that relentless need for control. And I'll share some personal stories of my own moments when I finally learned to release that grip on my perfection and just go with it…and I’ll share the positive impact that choice had on my kids.

So, grab your favorite cuppa, find a comfy spot to sit, and let's jump into it.

The Perfectionism Trap

Perfectionism is like a sneaky guest that often overstays its welcome in our lives. It's that little voice inside our heads that constantly whispers, "You have to do everything perfectly, or else you aren’t good enough to do anything." And as autism parents, especially us moms, if we are neurospicy ourselves, chances are good we’ve been conditioned to make up for some of our challenges, in part, by putting on the facade of perfectionism and control.

We all want the best for our children, and we tend to put enormous expectations on ourselves. If we control every aspect of our child's life, we can protect them from any harm or difficulty or even make our lives as their parents easier. But here's the truth – that level of control is not only impossible but also unhealthy.

Strategies for Managing Anxiety

So, how do we manage the anxiety that comes with perfectionism? That feeling deep in your bones that says you aren’t safe unless things are perfect and you're in total control of any situation? Well, let's dive into some strategies that have helped me and might just work for you too.

Strategy 1: Practice Self-Compassion

First and foremost, it's essential to practice self-compassion. Give yourself the same understanding, empathy, and kindness that you would offer to a friend…or your child. Remember, you're doing the best you can, and it's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to make mistakes.

Strategy 2: Set Realistic Expectations

Next, set realistic expectations for yourself and your child. Understand that progress in the world of autism parenting often comes in small steps. Instead of aiming for perfection, celebrate the little victories along the way. And I do mean celebrate! You and your family deserve to celebrate your milestones no matter how small they may seem.

Strategy 3: Seek Support

Don't hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you shouldn’t have to. Reach out to others who can offer guidance, share their experiences, and remind you that you're not alone on this journey. If you have a partner, don't deny them the joy of helping with the hard things. You aren’t doing anyone any favors by constantly being the default, go-to parent. Trust me, I know! I’ll list some resources that may help with this particular challenge in the show notes.

Letting Go of Control

Now, let's talk about the importance of relinquishing control. Oh, this is a tough one. I remember vividly when I realized that holding onto control so tightly was doing more harm than good.

Full disclosure, perfectionism, and the need to control things are two areas where I have struggled a lot. They’re also two areas where I’ve had the most opportunity for growth so, there ‘ya go.

Probably one of my biggest lessons came when my husband left his full-time engineering job about two years ago to freelance part-time and become the primary homeschooling parent for the kids so I could focus on growing the email marketing agency I created.

Let's just say my darling husband did not, and still doesn’t, do things the same way I would. The kids were angry and frustrated that things weren’t being done “the right way” that they were used to. Now, part of it is their autism - they like routine and predictability, and we had gotten into a pretty good groove with homeschooling over the years. And, truth be told, I wasn’t in love with how Dad was handling things either because it wasn’t the same way I’d do it, and it seemed like a lot of the tasks and activities I’d do with the kids just weren't getting done. 

And it kinda sucked to be at home working when they went to the zoo or park. I got frustrated when schoolwork didn’t get finished and I had to scramble to get our work samples for our homeschool portfolio. I remember school started in August, and by mid-October, I’d about had it with the husband not doing things my way and the kids screaming bloody murder over the changes. But then a funny thing happened - my husband got into his own groove, and the kids followed right along with him after a week or two.

It wasn’t perfect, and it looked a lot different than when I was in charge. But the work got done. There were no more complaints than usual from the kids, and when the end of the year came along, school was done in May instead of July. That’s because Dad didn’t give in to all the kid complaints and take the same number of “mental health” days and spontaneous trips to Sonic for slushes and tots as I would have. 

That moment was a turning point for me.

We got to enjoy a great summer together doing all our favorite warm-weather activities because #1, school was done, and #2 We had the financial resources since I was able to focus on my business’ growth instead of doing all the things for all the people all the time.

Embracing Imperfection

That experience taught me that it's okay to embrace imperfection, especially when it comes to stuff with my family. Our children (and our partners) are unique individuals, and their journeys may not always align with our plans. Their way of getting things done doesn’t always match up perfectly with ours - especially if we tend towards perfectionism. And that's perfectly fine. In fact, it's more than fine – it's a good thing!

When we release our need for perfection, we open the door to authenticity. We create an environment where everyone can thrive, learn, and grow in their own way. We also relieve ourselves of the constant burden of trying to control every outcome, and in that space, we have the opportunity to create something beautiful.

Imagine life as a journey, and each moment as an unpredictable adventure. Some of those moments might seem wild and unexpected, just like the challenges that come with autism parenting. But guess what? It's in these unscripted moments that true authenticity shines through.

It's the unexpected laughter on a tough day, the joy in your child's eyes when they discover something new, or the shared smiles as you both realize you're on this incredible journey together, imperfectly but beautifully.

When we let go of the idea that we can control everything, we open the door to resilience and growth, not just for us but for our family too. Our kids learn that making mistakes is okay, and that perfection isn't the goal. Instead, they discover that life is all about self-discovery, with every tiny step leading to personal growth.

As autism parents, we're often navigating uncharted waters. Our kids' unique needs and neurodiversity make each day an adventure. Embracing imperfection means embracing that uncertainty and realizing that growth often comes from the unexpected twists and turns.

When we embrace imperfection, we're actually celebrating our children's vibrant uniqueness. We let them express themselves authentically, and we're there to support them on their journey. By not trying to control everything they do or every mistake they could make, we’re giving them the chance to discover for themselves all that they need to learn and discover.

We can allow our children's personalities, preferences, and talents to blossom freely. It's pretty amazing to witness your child's growth and self-discovery when they're free to be themselves.

But here’s the thing, embracing imperfection isn't about chaos or settling for less for yourself or your child! It's about realizing that life is a journey filled with love and genuine connections. It's about finding beauty in the unexpected, joy in the unscripted, and love in imperfections.

So, here's my advice for my fellow autism parents. Let go of the need for perfection. Embrace authenticity, and together with your unique family, create a life that's truly yours. It won't be perfect, but it will be a life filled with love, resilience, and genuine connection…and probably a lot more happiness.

Conclusion

Perfectionism and the quest for absolute control can be exhausting and detrimental. And I say it's time to let go of the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves and our children. Embrace the imperfections, the messiness, and the unpredictability of this journey.

Remember, you're not alone. Seek support, practice self-compassion, and celebrate those small victories. And when the perfectionism monster rears its head, remind yourself that you're doing an incredible job, just as you are.

Thanks for listening! New episodes of the NeurOrdinary Podcast drop every Thursday. Don’t forget to like and subscribe, and if you’re feeling generous leave a comment or review to let me know what you thought about today’s episode. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with other autism parents you know who might benefit from these insights. And whatever you do, keep it spicy!