A mom’s life is full of trials and tribulations... especially if she’s raising a child with additional needs who happens to be autistic. Some days, it can seem like nothing is easy….
Often, these women feel isolated, lonely, and depressed. They start to view their autistic child as the reason their life is so hard. They do their best to “do all the things” they think their child needs, but it only makes things more challenging. Eventually, they may resent their efforts, and their child, often with horrible results.
I’ve seen this so many times in my life and lived it myself for quite some time. Realizing how big of a problem the “Martyr Mom Mindset” was for me prompted me to make some big changes in my life. Including starting my coaching business where my #1 goal is helping parents overcome it!
Do you think you have a Martyr Mom Mindset? Have you taken up perma-residence on Martyr Mom Island?! Read on to find out…
What is Martyr Mom Island?
Martyr Mom Island is the place we go when we want to feel like we deserve a reward for “having” to parent an autistic kid. We get there by not taking care of ourselves and our needs.
Overwhelm is the means of transport.
Eventually, we feel like we, and only we, are responsible for how our children behave, how they “turn out” as adults and all their feelings, emotions, and challenges in the meantime.
It’s a lonely place where you feel like if you only gave more, everything might be ok! Martyr Moms don’t have time to take care of themselves, and self-care is the last thing on their mind…
Is Martyr Mom Island just for moms?
Nope! Dads can have these problems too…although from experience, it is less likely.
Sometimes, I’ll write it as Martyr Mom (or Dad!) Island, but I really like the flow and alliteration of Martyr Mom Island…it’s the writer in me!
Please excuse the non-inclusive use of language here. And to prove that I am thinking about Autism Dads, you can check out this article where I talk about how important they are in raising autistic kids, and some of the unique perspectives they bring.
How do you get to Martyr Mom Island?
Overwhelm seems to be the (one-way) ticket!
Always putting others before yourself, never taking time to truly care for your body and mind. Thinking “self-care” is for those with more free time. Doing things that may seem like self-care (like revenge bedtime procrastination) but that hurt you in the long run.
When we do everything for others, and nothing for ourselves, resentment is the inevitable outcome.
Eventually, you feel like all you have you give to your child(ren), and there is nothing left for you. In my case, I held on so tightly to everything in my life: our schedule, my kids’ behaviors, how well homeschooling was going (or not), and keeping up with the house/garden/kids’ social needs…all while neglecting what was truly important to me because “good moms don’t have needs.”
And “I don’t have time to take care of myself, look at all this stuff I have to do for my two autistic kids because I’m such a good mom!”
How to get off, and stay off, Martyr Mom Island.
Stepping up and saying that you've had enough of putting yourself last on your to-do list is the first step! Realizing you can’t do all the things and be all the things to everyone, even your autistic child (ren), is the second.
You deserve time to rest and relax, and do things that are important to you!
You deserve to find ways to meet your social, emotional, and creative needs too. So much of the advice available about self-care may not apply to your situation, and that’s ok. Self-care for autism parents is going to look different, and that’s what I’m here to help you with!
Getting off Martyr Mom (or Dad) Island is about creating a self-care plan that works for your individual needs, helping you reconnect with the person you are - you remember before your autistic child(ren) came into your life, and helping you create the rhythms and routines that will help you get through your days feeling balanced, healthy, and whole.
Conclusion
I don’t want to be a Martyr Mom, and I’m so glad I got myself off of Martyr Mom (or Dad) Island. I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my parenting journey with my children. I want to see my kids grow up to become independent adults, who can be strong and healthy, responsible and caring individuals.
To do that, I realized they needed me to model that for them. And to do that, I discovered that self-care is critical! If you could use some self-care support on your journey to getting off Martyr Mom (or Dad) Island, here are three ways I can help:
- Contact me today to discover more about self-care coaching and how I can help you create a self-care plan that works for your unique situation and lifestyle.
- Grab your free copy of "7 Simple Ways to Reduce Your Stress: A Guide for Parents of Autistic Children.” It’ll show you how you can reduce your stress, and take care of yourself in less than 10 minutes a day.
- Spend a few minutes listening to a guided meditation created specifically for parents and caregivers of autistic children…it’ll help you reset and recharge when you need it most.
Parenting an autistic child may never be easy, but it doesn’t have to be so hard!
At Out Of Your Ordinary, no one parents alone...we help parents get off and stay off, Martyr Mom Island. You got this!
Meet your self-care coach!
