As autism moms learn about the complexities of navigating the disability system, and getting their child(ren) the support they need, they often find themselves pulled away from their own passions and identity…
As a mom, I’ve spent the last 13+ years navigating the world of “special needs parenting” as I raised my two autistic kids. For years, my identity was tied to being my kids’ mom, and that's how others saw me.
But a few years ago, I began focusing on myself and what makes me happy. I may have had to hit rock bottom, but eventually, I learned (the hard way) that self-care is just as important to my kids as it is to me…no one likes a Martyr Mom. Ahem.
Since then, I’ve realized how important my passions and interests are to who I am, and how much that influences my life and my relationships - especially with my kids.
How can you still be the parent your child(ren) need, and manage to not lose yourself in the process of parenting them? So glad you asked! Read on to discover the lessons I’ve learned so you don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.
What is passion?
Passion is the driving force that keeps us going. Whether it’s a love of family, art, sports, food, music, or animals, we all have a passion. Usually, it’s something you’re good at (but not always).
Whatever it is, participating in your passions helps you “feel like yourself,” and helps you remember who you were before you became a parent to a child with additional needs.
If you aren’t passionate about something, it’s hard to get motivated to complete anything. Your passions come through in the things that make you feel fulfilled in life.
Whether you love cooking, gardening, sports, art, or being around kids and animals, engaging in your passions will help you live a happier life, and be a better parent.
How can you nurture your passions, even as an autism parent?
This is perhaps one of the most difficult parts of being an autism parent: maintaining the balance between being a mom and being a carer. As a mom, you’re often (constantly?!) thinking about your child and their needs. And that takes a lot of your time, energy, and resources.
Perhaps you feel like there is nothing left for you. If you can relate, I'd like to introduce you to the concept of juggling as opposed to balance…it just isn’t possible to balance it all! The key is to find ways to carve out your time to engage in the things that bring you joy.
There is no big secret to it. You have to prioritize your own needs over everything else sometimes! Have faith in the knowledge that you’ll be a better person and parent for having taken care of yourself and your needs.
What do you need to stop doing?
Sometimes, the most important thing you can do to reclaim your passion and identity is to decide what you need to stop doing!
Perhaps there is a relationship that is draining your energy, that you’d be better off not participating in. Maybe there’s a therapist or therapy that brings more stress into your home than they’re alleviating. You may be struggling with choices related to your child’s education, which is a common issue for parents of autistic kids.
Some areas you can look to cut back are:
- Staying up too late at night.
- House Cleaning standards…don’t let it gross, but it doesn’t have to be spotless 100% of the time. Embrace hygienic messiness!
- Holding up the weight of others’ expectations. Enough said!
- Feeling like you have to “do it all” because you can’t…no one can.
- Overindulging in alcohol.
- Fighting so hard to control your situation that you forget to give yourself grace and self-care.
- Doing all the things and being all the things to all of the people all of the time…
How do you reclaim your passions?
It took me a long time to understand I didn't have to keep being "that" mom. The one who seemed like she had everything together and was doing just fine with no help whatsoever, thankyouverymuch!
That's the identity I created for myself to help me cope with the challenges I faced. But that way of life just isn’t sustainable…or enjoyable.
Instead, I'm going to keep sharing my passion to help other autism parents avoid the mistakes I made, and focus on what helps fuel my soul. Along the way, I’ll continue to grow as a mother, teacher, and business owner, all while sharing those new insights with you!
To reclaim your passion, and get back to what makes you, “You,” all you have to do is make a choice. Basically, it's a decision you have to make whether you’ll continue to put everyone else’s needs before your own, or if you’ll carve out time to care for yourself and pursue what matters to you....only you can do this for yourself.
This article gives you some tips and tricks for incorporating self-care and passion back into your days so that you can develop the self-care habit that will help you remember your priorities and be the best version of yourself.
Conclusion
If you’re an autism mom (or dad!) who feels like you have to sacrifice yourself to care for your child, you have two options. Either decide to become a permanent resident on Martyr Mom Island, or reclaim your identity and your passion.
The key is to step away from your “just” an autism mom life and start living a life that is fueled by your interests and needs. It may seem selfish at first, but I know all too well how easy it can be to develop an “autism warrior mom” mindset where everything is about the child(ren) all of the time.
Believe me when I say you will do more harm to yourself, and your child(ren) if you go down that route. Self-care for the win! Prioritizing your needs is always the best way forward. It’s better for you, and better for all those you care for.
I’m curious: has it been hard to juggle your own needs and passion as an autism parent? Did this article help you avoid developing an unhealthy set of expectations for yourself? I’d love to know what you think…leave a comment below!
Meet your self-care coach!
