Your Ultimate Guide to Boundaries as an Autism Parent: Taking Care of Yourself While Caring for Your Child

As parents, it's our job to be attentive, caring, and patient with our children. Sometimes, though, we're so focused on giving them what they need, we lose sight of ourselves. We put them first, which is fine, for a short time, as long as we aren't neglecting ourselves. 

If you have an autistic child, you may be struggling to maintain boundaries with them. It can be challenging to know when your child’s needs or your own should take precedence. That's why I wrote this guide. 

This article will give you the tools you need to create strong boundaries between yourself and your child so that you can be an Empowered and Engaged Autism Parent and stay off of Martyr Mom (or Dad!) Island...

Let’s dive in!

Discover what your needs are as an autism parent.

You may not intuitively understand what your needs are. Parents of autistic children can find themselves overwhelmed and lost as they navigate the world of disability parenting and special education. It can be difficult to know what you need to get through the day, month, and year. 

Take a few minutes to think about what you need in this stage of your parenting journey, both as a parent and as an adult human who has needs separate from their child. Make a list, and reflect on it as we go through the suggestions below.

Understand what your child truly needs.

There is a big difference between wants and needs. As a parent, you should always do your best to make sure your child's needs are met. But when it comes to wants, you need to treat them like you would any other child. 

Sometimes their wants must come after your needs.

Also, be careful of the mindset that you must help them avoid meltdowns at all costs! While I know meltdowns are a horrible experience for everyone involved. If you constantly give your child everything they want to avoid upsetting them, you run the risk of them developing an expectation to always receive what they want (which will make it harder to maintain your boundaries and meet your own needs).

Recognize and learn your child’s strengths and weaknesses so that you're better able to determine what is a want and what is truly a need.

Know your boundaries, and set them.

My personal experience as an autism parent has made me very aware of what it means to have boundaries. I feel it’s necessary to set clear limits on my behavior for my kids’ benefit. Without setting boundaries, I don’t feel I could be as effective as I need to be at parenting my children. 

I’ve learned that when I don’t enforce my boundaries, I’m not able to give my children all the love and attention they need, because quite frankly, I’m exhausted! When I uphold my boundaries and demand they are respected, I’m able to be a better parent.

Respect others’ boundaries...including your child's.

Boundaries aren't just for you! While you're getting better at setting them for yourself, you have the opportunity to also practice accepting them from others. 

Whether your child is autistic or not, respect for his or her boundaries is a key part of being able to teach social skills. If you’re trying to teach your child(ren)  how to interact socially, respecting others’ boundaries is an essential element of learning the social skills that are necessary to form and maintain relationships.

Let them learn about boundaries by watching you implement them for yourself! This also includes not sharing meltdown videos of them online...see this article for more information on why meltdown videos are a big no-no. 

Be aware of your own limits.

It’s very easy for us to underestimate our limits. The reality is, every day we push against our limits as autism parents. The best (worst?!) part is that those limits may change from day to day...some days, our limits are larger than others, and we can accept things and positively work through them that we just can’t on other days. 

You have to be aware of your limitations, and how you are doing each day. Checking your daily emotional barometer is a great way to ensure you aren’t offering too much of yourself to others, including your children.

Practice self-care.

Many parents feel guilty when they take time for themselves, especially if they feel that they’re neglecting their children or their spouse. But, you can’t pour from an empty cup!

All parents, but especially those of us parenting autistic children need to make sure we’re focussed on our self-care. This parenting journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and you need to ensure you have the energy to make it through the whole race…

Whether it’s making sure you go to bed on time so you get the rest you need, spending some time practicing guided meditation or taking a few minutes to remember what you’re grateful for, self-care is crucial if you’re going to have the energy to have good boundaries!

This is one of the most important tips on the list!

Remember that your child is not a reflection of you.

As an autism parent, you will encounter many challenges. And many of those challenges may be wrapped up in the outward behavior your child expresses. You may feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even depressed by and about the things your child does…which is a hard thing to navigate as a parent. 

But you are not responsible for the struggles they have! Oftentimes, neither are they. If you are doing your best as a parent, and getting your child the support they need, that’s all you can do…

Be careful not to take on all the responsibility for your child's behavior. You will end up feeling guilty and resentful towards them. They are their own unique person. While you do have a duty as their parent to do the best you can for them, a meltdown on Aisle 2 at Target doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It means your kid was having a bad day.

Know when to seek professional help.

Whether it's a mental health provider or a coach who can help you navigate the autism parenting process, know when it's time to step up and ask for support. Parenting an autistic child and focussing on your own needs can be challenging! It's to ask for help if you're struggling.

Often, a fresh perspective and a bit of guidance are all it takes to get you on the path to having better boundaries, more energy, and a better relationship with your child…and the rest of your family.

Conclusion

Boundaries are a key part of ensuring you’re able to take care of yourself as an autism parent. Do things that you enjoy. Make time for self-care. Know when enough is enough, and don’t be afraid to share that feeling with those that need to know it!

You will always be a better parent when you’re a better you. Don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself or taking care of yourself. Self-care isn’t selfish…being a martyr mom (or dad) is.

That’s why I created a checklist of my top 7 Self-care Tips that work for autism parents like us! You can get your free copy by clicking here. I hope it helps you on your path to developing healthy boundaries and becoming the best person, and parent, you can be!